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June 02, 2005
Where Are They Now? #5
Continuing my interviews with the fairytale characters we know and love...
LITTLE JACK HORNER
Little Jack Horner is not little. He is over six feet tall. He has a shock of white hair and a matching beard that makes him look like Ernest Hemingway's twin brother.
It is almost impossible to get an interview with Jack Horner because he is somewhat of a recluse who refuses to speak to the media. He lives in a tiny country on a remote island in the South Pacific with a total population of seven.
With only a handful of citizens in the entire nation, Mr. Horner seems to have found the solace and security he desperately longed for as a youngster who spent most of his childhood sitting in a corner.
Jack Horner is the poet laureate of his country. He is also the Postmaster General, the Grand Marshal of the annual Coconut Parade and the nation's Supreme Court Chief Justice.
Mr. Horner, I'm curious as to why you agreed to an interview? This is the first time you have talked to a journalist in many years.
JH: Poetic justice.
What do you mean?
JH: Your book "Where Are They Now?" It's allowing people to finally know the truth.
How so?
JH: I believe my peers and I have been unfairly slotted into a category that has labeled us for the rest of time. Somewhat like the Bee Gees will forever be blamed for disco, we, as in the folk who are forever known as 'fairy tale' characters, find it hard to be taken seriously. It's like Winnie the Pooh becoming a lawyer. No matter how hard he studies or how well he does at Harvard, Winnie the Pooh is not going to get the big cases. He'll be an ambulance chaser or something.
You said my book will help people finally know the truth. What exactly do you mean?
JH: Yes, the truth. Like the story of the three little pigs. Some reports say that two of them died. That's utter nonsense. They have a successful company and are living off the fat of the land.
Yes, I interviewed them recently.
JH: Remember Humpty Dumpty? Well, they did manage to put him together again. Unfortunately!
What do you mean?
JH: He's in hiding, the fat little creep! They patched him up. He's back in business.
I'm lost.
JH: He's a Mexican mob man. Humpty Dumpty Don. Head of the Huevos Rancheros family.
A mobster!
JH: He's a killer. That fat bastard had Harry Hollandaise whacked. Got him in the bath. Power cable in the water. It's an old mob trick. Harry didn't stand a chance. He was poached before he knew it. Shocking! What do you think happened to 'Big' Eggs Benedict?
'Big' Eggs Benedict?
JH: Yes.
I don't know?
JH: He got fried. They locked him in a tanning bed for an entire day. Sunny side up. Not a pretty sight. He was covered in SPF 50 but it didn't help. It's like facing a tank with a bulletproof vest.
Wow!
JH: And what about Florentine, Humpty's very own brother-in-law.
What happened to him?
JH: He was whacked, cracked and folded into a wedding cake. Nobody knew it. Poor fool was consumed by his own family at his daughter's wedding. They were oblivious. Here they are dancing to a really bad New Jersey wedding band and stuffing cake in each other's mouths. It's disgusting!
Anyone else?
JH: Yeah. Egg Foo Yong. Humpty's Chinese mob counterpart.
Scrambled?
JH: No. Think egg-drop soup from forty stories up. Let me tell you, Jackson Pollock would have been proud. If I ever see Mr. Dumpty, that little creep, I'll kick his free-range butt from here to the nearest Kentucky Fried Chicken.
So, I believe you spend your time here on the island writing poetry.
JH: That is correct.
Now, I read somewhere that you consider yourself a loner.
JH: That is correct.
Why is that?
JH: Because I spent most of my childhood in a corner and I enjoyed it.
There was a rhyme that went something like "little Jack Horner sat in a corner eating a Christmas pie...
JH: …he put in his thumb and pulled out a plumb and said "What a good boy am I?" The whole thing is total rubbish because firstly I'm not little; actually I was always pretty big for my age and secondly, it wasn't Christmas pie. It was a kugel. I'm Jewish.
You were made to sit in a corner…
JH: No, no no. That is not correct. All the talk about me being abused as a child and finally running away to this island is nonsense I CHOSE to sit in a corner. I had 15 siblings and we lived in a tiny house. I was the last born and hiding in a corner was the only place I could find any peace and quiet.
Why did you come to this island then? Was it to get away from people hounding you?
JH: Not at all. Do you see that island girl over there sitting on the beach? The one beckoning me? The stunningly gorgeous girl with the silky skin and shiny black hair…
I sure do.
JH: That's why I live on this island.
Well, I guess that concludes this interview. Uh, when does the ferry leave from this island?
JH: Next Tuesday.
Really.
JH: Uh, huh. I suggest you pull up a hammock and rest for a while.
Posted by trevor at June 2, 2005 06:48 PM
Comments
thanks, this was awesome fun to read and helped me with my study!
Posted by: Jess at August 17, 2005 09:05 PM