« The Art Of Being Humbled | Main | Turning Feathers Into Wings »

February 03, 2005

Where Are They Now #2

This is the second entry from my book "Where Are They Now?" in which I interview fairytale characters and the usual suspects from Mother Goose.

The Big Bad Wolf.

Many years ago, the Big Bad Wolf ate Little Red Riding Hood's grandma in cold blood. He managed to escape the law for months until he was caught stealing chickens on a farm near the forest. After a short trial, the wolf was sentenced to twenty years in prison for 'premeditated usage of a grandparent as an entrée'.

While he was in jail, the wolf managed to turn his life around. He denounced violence, got a university degree and became a vegetarian. He was set free this week and I was there to greet him as he was released from jail. We met at a local restaurant where he enjoyed a salad while telling me about his life behind bars.

Mr. Big Bad Wolf, how do you feel after being jailed for all these years?

Mr. Wolf: Firstly I ain't big and I ain't bad anymore and from now on please call me Flow. Everyone else does.

Flow?

Mr. Wolf: Sure. It's Wolf spelled backwards. I turned my life around so I decided to turn my name around too. You know, Flow, as in go with the.

So, what was instrumental in turning your life around? I mean, how did you change from a grandma-eating, sheep-stealing, chicken-stalker into a peaceful, non-violent vegetarian?

Mr. Wolf: Look, a lot of people don't realize this, but I'm the same guy who gave those three little pigs such a hard time. Man, I messed with their heads like you wouldn't believe. So, I made a lot of trouble for a lot of people. I probably would have gone for Miss Muffet too if the spider hadn't chased her away first. So anyway, what I'm saying is, I was bad. But I didn't know any different. Basically, I came from the wrong side of the woods, so to speak. Let's face it, I didn't have the best role models. My father was the one who dressed in sheep's clothing and terrorized the whole village. My uncle was the bad guy in almost every Aesop's fable, my brother has been the man-eating wolf in just about all the B horror movies ever made and my cousin, well, I can't even tell you what he did.

But you managed to overcome the odds…

Mr. Wolf: Well, while I was in jail, I saw a piece on television about those three little pigs and they were suffereing from that post traumatic stress thing. That made me feel so bad. Then I read about Little Red Riding Hood and how it was my fault that she became a recluse and never got married. One day in group therapy, that evil grandma lady, you know, the one who tried to turn Hansel and Gretel into biscotti, well she suddenly had a breakthrough and realized what she had done. She felt the guilt and started crying and wailing. It was really sad and I started crying too. I get all choked just thinking about it. Excuse me…

That's okay. Do you want to stop for a while?

Mr. Wolf: No, no. I'll carry on. It was the first time I had cried in my life other than barking at the moon, which isn't crying so much as howling. I also felt something else for the first time in my life. Guilt. I actually felt guilty about my actions. Goodness, once I allowed myself to own what I had done, everything suddenly changed.

How so?

Mr. Wolf: Well, instead of trying to blame everyone else for my problems like my parents or that darn shepherd guy who was constantly trying to maim me with his rocks and his staff, I took responsibility for what I did. That reminds me…

Of what?

Mr. Wolf: I'd like to talk to that shepherd. He wasn't the kind of shepherd you read about in bible stories. He was like a WWF-Ninja-killer-shepherd. The way he swung that staff around and yelled. I once saw him try to turn a black crow into a hockey puck. If that bird hadn't jumped out of the way, it would have been feathers for him.

Where to from here?

Mr. Wolf: Well, obviously I'm going to write a book. I feel I owe it to the general public. My agent is in the process of negotiating a deal for me. I plan on talking to others who have written autobiographies to see how they went about it. I'm going to speak to Richard Simmonds, Martha Stewart, Howard Stearn, The Olsen Twins and Ernest Hemingway.

But Hemingway is dead!

Mr. Wolf: Yes, I know, but I thought I'd get in touch with him through Miss Cleo at the Psychic Hotline. I saw the ad on television. They speak to dead people.

Wasn't that a movie with Bruce Willis?

Mr. Wolf: No that was something else. Well, I've got to get going. I'm having a meeting with some reality television producers. I'm going to try and find those three pigs and I'll be taking a camera crew with me. That's going to be good reality television. A little bit of drama, big hugs, you know. So, I'll see you. If you need anything, give me a call, okay.

Sure will. I appreciate your candor and your time. I wish you all the luck in the world Mr. Wolf.

Mr. Wolf: It's Flow.

Flow. Thank you.

Mr. Wolf: You're very welcome.

Posted by trevor at February 3, 2005 09:44 AM