« Treasure Map | Main | Innocence and Clarity »

January 27, 2005

Where Are They Now

To bring a little laughter into my life I decided a while ago to write a new book. It's called "Where Are They Now?" While writing the book I traveled far and wide and to many exotic locations (inside my head) and interviewed fairytale and Mother Goose Characters that we love and hate. I wanted to know what they were up to and where they had been. What an incredible journey. Look for new interviews with different characters each week right here on my blog.

THE THREE PIGS

Contrary to popular belief, none of the Three Pigs were actually eaten by the big bad wolf. Pig #1, the oldest of the three brothers told me the whole 'eaten alive' myth was just a fairy story. I visited with the Three Pigs at a local eatery in North Palm Beach, Florida where they all live and work.

I believe that you three are equal partners in a very successful company. Is that right?

Pig #1: Yes, we have a hurricane proofing company here in Florida.

Hurricane proofing?

Pig #2: We build homes that can withstand gale force winds, tornadoes, typhoons, that sort of thing.

Pig #3: Yeah, we coined the phrase TwisterPruf. As in, "Don't delay, TwisterPruf your place today." You know the ads on television? Oh, by the way, if you mention TwisterPruf in your interview, which we hope you do…

Pig #1: Enough with the marketing already #3. He wants to know about our lives and what we've been up to since the "incident."

Pig #3: What incident?

Pig #1: You know, the "thing" we never talk about.

Pig #3: Huh?

Pig #2: The "wolf" thing.

Pig #3: I don't want to talk about it.

Pig #2: Precisely.

Have you guys ever thought about therapy?

Pig #1: What do you mean?

Well, obviously the "incident" you won't talk about has profoundly affected your lives.

Pig #1: Well, we did talk to some social workers after "it" happened, but that's when #2 lost his marbles for a while.

Lost his marbles?

Pig #1: Well, he started having a complex about being a pig.

Pig #2: C'mon #1. I didn't lose my marbles. Everyone knows pigs are associated with mud and smelly food waste. People think we stink. I just wanted to prove a point.

Pig #1: Well, Pig #2 started a perfume company...

Pig #3: Which failed miserably...

Pig #2: You must admit the name was pretty cool.

What was the name?

Pig #2: Calvin Swine.

There is a pause in the conversation. Nobody speaks for a few minutes. Then we all burst into laughter. We laugh hysterically for a full two minutes. Pig #3 interrupts.

Pig #3: How did marbles get into it?

Pig #1: What?

Pig #3: You said #2 lost his marbles. What exactly does that mean?

Pig #1: It's a phrase. You know. Like he lost his mind or something.

Pig #3: But it doesn't mean a darn thing. It has no reference point. Marbles. What do marbles have to do with anything?

Pig #2: You know #3, this 'Pig's Guide to Philosophy' course you are taking is getting a bit much. You can't read something into everything.

Pig #3: Well, I don't want to be a construction worker all my life. I'm looking for a bit of meaning here.

Pig #1: Like the time you deconstructed 'Swine Lake' looking for a deeper meaning. Get over it. You're in construction #3. Not deconstruction. TwisterPruf has made us rich.

Pig #3: Yeah, but there's more to life.

There seems to be a difference in the direction you are all taking at the moment. Are the three of you close? Are any of you married?

Pig #1: We're very close and we stick together like swill to a blanket.

Pig #3: What...?

Pig #1: Let it go #3...

Pig #3: Swill to a blanket...?

Pig #2: We do have differing opinions sometimes, but we made a huge mistake in the past and we're not going to do that again. It nearly cost us our lives.

What was your mistake?

Pig #2: We didn't work as a team to face our problem. We decided to live in separate houses and each handle a common problem separately. We were pig headed and each one of us thought we knew better. That's when the whole 'wolf' thing went down.

Pig #3: Pig-headed. Hah!

Pig #1: Strength in numbers. That's what we learned.

Pig #3: Team work. That's what it's all about.

Are any of you married? Are there any kids?

Pig #1: I was.

Pig #2: I am.

Pig #3: I won't.

Pig #2: I have a little piglet.

Pig #1: He's a little porker.

Pig #2: It's just baby fat #2. He'll grow out of it.

Pig #3: Cute kid. Takes after his uncle pig #3. Give him a hammer and he'll deconstruct anything in sight.

Pig #1: You're a bad influence on him. You tried to read Lord of the Flies to him the other day. They kill a pig in that book and put his head on a pole.

Pig #3: It's just symbolic. We can learn from that.

Pig #1: They put an apple in that pig's mouth you know. So stereotypical. You should read Pygmalion to him. That's a good book.

I can't complete this interview without asking a final question. where do you all go from here?

Pig #1: Things are looking good for us. The wolf population is dropping dramatically...

Pig #2: That's one species whose acceleration toward extinction does not bother us...

Pig #3: And there are more and more kosher people in the world and a growing number of Muslims...

Pig #1: And none of them eat pork or bacon or baby back ribs.

Pig #2: As far as the three of us are concerned, it's a matter of sticking together...

Pig #1: Keeping our business profitable by staying lean and trimming the fat when necessary...

Pig #3: And going 'hog wild' when the occasion occurs.

At this point, I realized that my interview was turning into a pun off and I wrapped it up.

Posted by trevor at January 27, 2005 01:53 PM